q: i have a close female friend who has been on and off again, over and over, with her boyfriend for the past few years. while they are both great people, they are not right for each other at all. i have been there through all of her complaints, tears, and rants.
they just got back together after the fifth or sixth breakup (i’ve lost count), and i’m sick of hearing her complaints about him and the relationship! she knows what she is getting into very well by now! is there a way to tell her i don’t want to hear about it anymore? or do i suck it up and act like a supportive friend… even though i don’t support this relationship?
- therapissed
a: oh, this. one of my least favorite yet often found habits of my gender (at least according to stereotypes and, well, countless friends i’ve had the displeasure of listening to). look, we all want to be there for our friends, of course. maybe we should start by telling them when they are acting the fool. if you are sick of hearing her talk about this, you know what you can do? tell her that. tell her what you told us. you can sweeten it with sugar, but girlfriend needs to know that she is driving you nuts. some people love relationship drama, which includes allowing the same thing to happen to them, acting surprised, and then annoying any of their friends that will listen. sit her down and be like, bitch, i love you, but you need to stop. of course remind her that you care, but you just cannot listen to her complain about a situation that she keeps going back to. if she wants to stay with the dude, fine, but you don’t need to hear her whine about it all the time.
maybe she will be mad. this will probably go away (unless she was really just using you as a wall to talk at). she will come back, and perhaps even think of more interesting things to complain about. sometimes people need to be reminded that change is possible. and if she hates you for it, well you’re welcome, now you don’t have to listen about her boring relationship anymore.
ah, but remember. this shit goes both ways. do you obsessively talk about relationship stuff? then check yourself first. you can even use your amazing new ways to suggest to your friend that, wow, you feel so much better not constantly bitching about things that you have complete control over.
i have several chick friends where we have a very strong understanding that we only talk about love-stuff if we are being interesting or truly need a friend. when one of us goes overboard, the other will call them out. this is why i have not strangled a single friend, nor them me. be honest, be nice, but seriously, make her shhh.
