q: i have a friend who is, shall we say, pretty sensitive. even though i try to keep this in mind with how i act around her, she gets offended by things i say or post on facebook, blogs, etc. (that are not aimed at her). then, without warning, she’ll send me a message telling me how offensive i’m being. she will delete or block me on facebook/twitter and not take my calls, so that i have no way to explain or defend myself!
this bothers me on several levels. she doesn’t talk to me the first time i say/do something that bugs her (she calls this “letting it slide,” except that she doesn’t let it go). she decides i am being insensitive to her without talking to me about it or giving me a chance to explain. and once she finally DOES tell me i’m doing something wrong, she doesn’t want to discuss it! only after months of her giving me the silent treatment am i forgiven, and then we can maybe talk a little bit about the “offense.”
it’s only happened a couple times over a long period of friendship, but i really hate it and i’m not interested in spending months in time-out waiting for forgiveness. should i even bother next time it happens?
- blame game
a: probably not.
y’know, it’s hard to offend a bitch, because a bitch doesn’t care. but really, this is bullshit. most people have certain sore spots or topics that they are sensitive about for whatever reason (generally, personal experience), and usually as you get to know them, you get a feel for where that line is and when not to cross it. maybe it’s child molestation jokes; maybe it’s crass talk about abortions or rape or the homeless. hopefully we pretty much all understand that jokes are JOKES and do not reflect a person’s actual view of the issue, but it’s considerate and tasteful to be aware of your audience and dial it back accordingly.
however, that consideration requires that your friends be honest and up-front with you (“listen, my homeless grandma was once raped by a child molester and had to have an abortion, so it’s hard for me to joke, or even hear jokes about these things — thanks for understanding”). if, instead, they make up an invisible list of ways you can hurt their feelings, never share this list with you, and don’t even let you know when you have violated it; if the only way you even figure out you’re on their shit list is that they block you on FB and stop answering your calls; and if they put you on silent-treatment time-out for months before grudgingly permitting you back into their presence, only to dismiss your apology… THAT is some seriously unacceptable manipulation. a “friend” who, at any moment, may or may not be silently writing up a list of your heinous offenses, and/or preparing to shut you down for months, does not sound like an enjoyable person to have in your life. so you have two choices. it sounds like you’re back in her good graces now, which you say is typically the time you’re “allowed” to talk about issues. so you could try bringing it up in a non-confrontational way, like, “hey, i’m glad we’re on good terms right now, but i notice that sometimes there are things i say that really upset you, and your reaction is to shut down and not talk to me about it. i’d really like to talk about why this happens, and how we can communicate better so that it doesn’t happen again, because i hope you know i care about your friendship and i would never intentionally say something to hurt or upset you.”
or, the next time she pulls this crap, you can just look at it as a get-out-of-jail free card and enjoy the extra time that this frees up for hanging out with friends who aren’t so irrationally demanding and manipulative. she gets to simmer and seethe about you (as she apparently wants to), and you’ve ditched a complicated and tension-filled frenemyship, so everybody’s happy!
