ask a bitch

q: i just got engaged! my fiance’s mother offered to throw us an engagement party, which is really nice of her. despite the fact that she’s going to be my mother-in-law, we have always gotten along. i do want an engagement party, and was planning to throw a small one myself. she wants to throw a huge party! i asked if we could do something a little smaller scale but don’t want to seem ungrateful. i’m tempted to let her do whatever she wants so she knows how much i appreciate the gesture, but if i do that i am stuck with inviting all of those people to my wedding (that’s what wedding etiquette requires of me…) and i feel like it open all sorts of doors for her to stick her nose into my wedding, too, which just can’t happen. how do i get her to back off without hurting her feelings?

- wedding partied out

a: although it seems like general rules of getting someone to back off should apply here, weddings seem to bring out everyone involved’s most sensitive side, so in order to avoid hurt feelings, it’s best to be extra careful handling this.

if you have a good relationship with your future mother-in-law, and it seems like you do, talk to her (with or without your fiance, whichever you think she’ll take better) about this engagement party. it’s true, wedding etiquette does require that anyone invited to pre-wedding parties should also be invited to the wedding. if you’re planning on having a small wedding, you might want to insist on a smaller engagement party. your mother-in-law sounds like a nice and reasonable person, and nice and reasonable people usually understand manners. if she doesn’t want to plan the party you want to have (more or less), let her know that you and your fiance will take care of it.

be sure to emphasize the entire time how much you appreciate her offer and the hard work she’s going to put into this party! sure, she’s doing it because she loves her son and yes, you are perfectly capable of planning it yourself, but it’s a lot less work and time and money for you this way. say thank you a bunch even if you end up having to do the planning yourself, because it really is a nice offer.

to make it obvious to her that you and your fiance will be handling the wedding planning, start bringing it up now. every chance you get, say something like “thank you so much for planning this engagement party, it gives me and (insert your fiance’s name here) all this extra time to plan the actual wedding!” and “hearing about the engagement party planning from you has really helped us understand how we want to plan the wedding!” and “i’m so glad that (insert your fiance’s name here) is planning the wedding with me, it really feels special to do it together!” she’ll get the hint.

and you know what? if she doesn’t? stop worrying about hurting her feelings and tell her what’s what. it’s YOUR wedding and YOUR engagement party and YOUR life, and in the end you can and should do what you really want.