ask a bitch

q: i don’t know what to about my boyfriend. we have been together a little more than a year and for the first nine months it seemed perfect. the last few months have been so different, though. we argue constantly, and he is always angry and can be very mean and nasty to me and other people. it gets worse and worse all the time, though he apologizes and says he doesn’t mean to get so angry. he had a pretty rough childhood on account of an abusive father, and i know he is still dealing with that.

right now we are spending time apart. he is staying with his mother while he “figures things out.” he hasn’t called me for days and when i call him to talk things over he hangs up or doesn’t bother answering me. his mom told me he is scared to talk to me and advised me to just wait it out until he’s ready to talk, but i am frustrated and hurt and it’s only getting worse. i want to do something to fix this, but can’t! i would like our relationship to work out, but i don’t know what to do.

- confused

a: everyone gets angry sometimes and most people say things they don’t necessarily mean when that happens and even though it’s definitely wrong, it’s forgivable, especially if you and your partner learn and grow as a result of those sometimes necessary arguments. there’s a world of difference between calling someone a stupid shithead while you’re in the middle of a very heated argument with them and being habitually angry and abusive towards your partner. because you’re even asking us, you probably already know that your boyfriend falls into the second category.

it is very characteristic of abusive people to start relationships with their best foot forward and progressively reveal abusive behavior. it’s also characteristic of abusive people to apologize profusely for their behavior but not actually do anything about it or show any improvement. and it’s characteristic of abusive people to be controlling about everything, including when and how communication happens, and to attempt to manipulate the abused person into feeling responsible for the abuse or the terrible state of the relationship. your boyfriend is doing all of that, and will likely not only continue but get worse with time. emotional abuse doesn’t always lead to physical abuse, but it often does, and even if it doesn’t, emotional abuse is terrible and damaging and serious.

it’s time for you to dump him and move on. you are worth more than that, and deserve better. if he wants to get help, GOOD FOR HIM. it sounds like he had a pretty rough childhood and needs extensive therapy and anger management just to start. it’s not your responsibility to help him get help, or stick by him while does. some people get better, but frankly, right now you just need to be concerned about yourself.