q. i am a friend of a man who is married who announced last week that his wife is expecting their first child. i have never met his wife. he has had at least one extramarital affair, with a 16-year-old girl, which is over now. he told me all about this affair as it happened and it made me very uncomfortable. yesterday he told me he’s solicited a woman over the internet, and is paying her plane fare for a secret rendezvous!
i got very angry and reminded him that he had a pregnant wife at home. “i seem to have lost my conscience,” he admitted. i tried to convince him to cancel this new woman, but he is adamant. he kept making flimsy excuses: “i must live sometime. i’m making up for lost moments. my wife will never know.”
i do not condone adultery and i think what he is doing is despicable, especially when his wife has a baby due. he said i am the only person who knows. is there anything i can do? would i be justified in writing an anonymous note to his wife telling her about her husband’s infidelity? he once said that if his wife ever found out she’d probably kick him out of the house. i am beginning to believe he deserves it.
- bros before hos?
a. as someone suffering from a fairly severe case of bitch-itis, i tend to try really, really hard to answer everything as calmly as i can muster. i just can’t with this. what exactly would it take until you felt that you had to do something? you want to wait until he knocks up some teenager and his wife has to live with the shame of her piece of shit husband being in jail for statutory rape? you want the little baby to only see their daddy during prison visits?
you know why your friend told you? either he feels guilty, so wants to shift a little of the pressure onto someone else (you) so he could feel relief… or, grosser, he thinks this is awesome behavior and wants high fives for being a d-bag.
hey brah! i totes banged a sophomore in high school!!!! i am the MAN.
your friend’s not just a crappy husband. he’s a crappy person. i’m going to just assume no one literally forced him to get married. hey, you want to bang lots of people (UM LEGAL AGE THO, PLEASE, JEEEEZUS)? that’s awesome! then don’t get married. or marry someone who also wants an open relationship. i don’t see how this is such a confusing idea. “i want to keep sleeping with lots of different people.” that’s fine. me too dudes. that’s why i’m not fucking married.
“he must live sometime.” what the hell. what about his wife? does she not deserve a chance at happiness as well? do you have any reason to believe that she is actually the devil? because i doubt she deserves this.
i don’t even understand how you seem more perturbed by this new fling than the one with the SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD. my god. i hope for this reason only the couple is very young themselves. if not, barf on top of barf.
divorce is not a death sentence, and it sounds like it would be a huge blessing in disguise to this poor woman. do something. write a note. tell him that if HE doesn’t tell her, you will. this guilt does not belong to YOU. it should belong to HIM. worst case scenario, you lose a friend. yeah, that sucks, who will you double with for prom?? (seriously, i cannot get over this “16 year-old” business, myyyy).
that dumbfuck made his bed. the wife deserves to know. i don’t think people always need to know, but when you add up all the extras: baby on the way, SIXTEEN YEAR OLD, desire to cheat just for cheating’s sake….. buzz buzz buzz. we have a winner. he doesn’t want to tell her? fine, but then he needs to end the marriage. and eek, i hope he is careful. you know STDs can really F up the little babies while they’re still hanging out uterus-style, right?
if you’re the only one that knows, an anonymous note may come back to you. but…. god, do you really care? if you’re worried about that, just tell the dude it’s time for him to do something. he made this your problem. it’s time to give the problem back to the person who deserves it.
and maybe one day, the wife can find someone who actually wants to be married to her. and, wow, maybe the kid will luck out and have an actual adult male role model to look up to. maybe coming clean to his wife will bring about something in their relationship where they can either open it or just decide to end it. not everyone is meant to be monogamous. but that doesn’t give you a pass to lie.
TL;DR: your friend is lucky you’re not calling Chris Hansen on his ass. DO SOMETHING.
