q: i was in what i thought was a serious relationship for a year-and-a-half with my best friend. he developed a crush on me and after me rejecting him for six months, we finally started dating. i fell in love fast and hard, and he seemed to feel the same way. however, he cheated on me recently and i’m confused as to why. he apologized and said he loves me no matter what, but i’m not sure if i should take him back or if he really means it. he has stopped calling, but we have gone on breaks before. do you think he really loves me? if so, what do you think i should do?
— a friend in need
a: wait, so you’ve gone on “breaks,” plural, over the course of a one-and-a-half-year relationship? and this was AFTER you shot him down for six months straight? are you sure you actually want to date him? (no, seriously, it’s a real question.)
you don’t say whether the cheating happened while you two were taking a break, so we’re going to assume it took place during the “on” part of the off-and-on. as for why he did it, could be lots of things. he may have been frustrated with your rocky relationship and looking for comfort, or trying to force a confrontation/breakup; he may just have been completely wasted and horny. sad to say, there often isn’t a good, logical reason for cheating that will allow you to gain closure or even really understand why.
we’re not saying his cheating, or his half-assed apologies, aren’t important, just that it’s only one symptom of the big-picture problem, which is the conflicting and contradictory feelings you two have for each other. after all, you started off as platonic friends; you’re dating now because he wore you down over the course of six months, despite all your protests. that would be tough on anyone’s self-esteem, and maybe he has a hard time feeling comfortable and secure in the relationship because of it. meanwhile, you’re putting 100% of the responsibility for staying in touch on him, yet you don’t believe him when he apologizes and says he loves you. so we’ll ask again: are you sure you want to date him?
if you do, great! but you are both responsible for communicating honestly about your feelings, and that means calling him and saying, “you know, i still want to be with you but I’m REALLY FUCKING PISSED that you cheated on me and i don’t feel like your apologies are sincere.” then prepare for a lot of painful, awful discussions as you work together on fixing things. but if you don’t want to date him — if, for example, you reluctantly let yourself be persuaded to date him because you were afraid of losing the friendship if you didn’t, but you never really felt as strongly as he did and he sensed that and distanced himself by taking “breaks” and ultimately hooking up with other people — that’s OK too, but you owe him the favor of breaking it off cleanly and not just ignoring the relationship to death. either way, enough cold-shouldering! talk to him already.
