q: i have been on and off dating this guy for probably two years now. early on he let me know he was a committment-phobe/not into a relationship, but he’s hung around this long and things usually seem very good between us. i want more and it seems like he’ll come around to that, too, but for now he says he isn’t ready for anything more or bigger. he wants me in his life, but only on his terms, and i’m not willing to wait around for him to compromise or decide he’s ready to be with me. during the past two years, i have dated other people, but haven’t felt the same spark (at least partly because i am preoccupied with this guy).
do people like this ever change? should i give up and get on with my life? and if so, how do i do that?
- spare change?
a: sure, people like this change! but people like this also don’t change! no one knows what’s going to happen with this dude (probably not even him).
maybe it really does seem like you’re perfect together, and like you both want to be with each other, and you’re happy when you’re together and and AND, there are probably a million ands that make you want to keep trying, but ultimately you just have to take him at his word. he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, and has resisted it for two years with no sign of wanting to compromise. seems like he doesn’t want a girlfriend. it’s time for you to move on!
first, get rid of him. let him know that it’s time for him to be your boyfriend OR not have you in his life. and mean it! and live it! do not sort of mean it and go sex him next time he calls. this will be a lot easier if you also GET BUSY. now is the time for you to call in all the social favors you have, make everyone hang out with you, spend all your money doing fun stuff, go on vacation, kiss strangers, volunteer at the animal shelter, sign up for a cooking class, or really anything that involves being around other people and having fun. the objective is threefold: one, you’re gonna be too busy having fun and being out to fall into those missing him traps that you might fall into sitting at home alone and bored; two, you’re gonna be hanging out with your friends and talking this all out and be reassured by them that yes, this is a good decision; and three, you’ll be in places to meet new people.
one of two things will happen next. either he will miss you so desperately that he decides he really does want to be your boyfriend (and you can maybe consider this momentarily before rejecting it. seriously, what is he, some kind of childish asshole?), or you will be having so much fun and being so busy that you will forget all about him and open up that space in your life and heart for the new and awesome dude you will eventually meet.
