q: i am relatively new in my town and am looking to make some new friends. i have also been out of a serious relationship for almost two years and would like to find a nice guy for extra-friendly stuff. i put myself out there and do meet men at concerts, parties, public transit, and other places. but when it comes time for the phone number exchange, i get incredibly shy — i’ll either suddenly act disinterested or bail from the place. plus, i have a hard time taking the initiative and asking for someone’s number myself, so when i do give my number, it’s usually because someone is especially assertive/aggressive, which is not always the kind of person i’m looking for.
the worst part if that i am kicking myself all the way home and become depressed over my inability to get over this silly mental block. i thought i was supposed to get over this after high school (i’m 29). how do i end this decidedly un-bitchy behavior?
- for a good time, call
a: oh definitely, we get it. it’s pretty easy to make a witty comment to someone while you’re both stuck on a bus, or to strike up a conversation at a party, but it all leads up to the agonizing moment where you have to either seal the deal by getting the digits, or watch the potential new friend/lover vanish into the night.
basically, you have this tiny spark of connection with someone who was very recently a stranger, so at the same time that you’re talking to them and feeling this attraction (romantic or platonic), your brain is also processing GOO GOBS of new information, trying to assess their body language, subtle hints, and social cues to gauge whether they’re feeling it too or if you’re just creepin’. that’s a lot of work! and taking the plunge is essentially making yourself vulnerable to this stranger, confessing to an interest in them that they may not return, and opening yourself up to possible rejection.
and yet, boys have to do this ALL THE TIME if they want to ask someone out. if a boy can do it, then so can you! here are some helpful tips:
1. remember, if they started talking to you, you already know they’re interested. at the very least, don’t feel awkward about giving your number to someone you like who is asking for it. asking for theirs, of course, is a bit harder, but keep reading.
2. social networking = second chance! if you met at a mutual friend’s party, or even an event that was posted on facebook (like an author’s reading at a bookstore), you might be able to work your online connections and track them down. send them a friend request cleverly alluding to your magic moment in a way that reminds them who you are and re-opens the conversation (“it was great talking to you at melissa’s party! what was the title of that foreign film you recommended to me again?”). if they’re unfindable, post on the event wall or tag your mutual friend and hope for the best.
3. try the indirect approach. if you’re talking about your favorite lolcats, ask for the name of their blog and use that to message them. if you’re discussing photography, get their username on flickr/picasa/whatever and contact them there! if you’re chatting about books, write down the name of a novel they just HAVE to read and oh gosh, here, let me write it on my business card… you get the picture. there are sneaky ways that don’t involve the sheer horror of uttering the words, “can i have your phone number?”
4. what is never, ever going to happen is that you’ll be like, “hey, can I get your number and maybe we can get coffee sometime?” and they’ll be all, “GROSS NO YOU’RE UGLY AND RETARDED! GUESS WHAT EVERYBODY, SHE JUST ASKED ME OUT! HAHAHAHA.” this is not sixth grade. the very worst thing that MIGHT happen is they’ll say, “sorry, i have a girlfriend,” or they just won’t pick up when you call. and you know what boys do when this happens? they brush it off and move on to the next intriguing person! so make like a boy, and then you’ll be making out with boys, and then one day you’ll look back on your shy former self and be amazed that you ever thought it was so hard. seriously!
