q: an old friend has recently taken to making casually racist comments on facebook. sometimes it involves the use of racial slurs, but i’ve also seen stupid “jokes” based on offensive stereotypes. when called on it, the friend either reacts by saying, “it’s a joke!” or trying to defend it by saying their life experiences justify these racist remarks.
if it was pure ignorance, i might be more inclined to let it go, but since this person acknowledges and defends it (not that you can defend racism!), it makes it sooooo much worse to me.
i’ve known this friend forever and we have been through lots of stuff together, and i’d rather not lose them. am i supposed to just keep calling it out and trying to talk to them? am i supposed to ignore it? or should i do what i would do in any other situation and say, “fuck you, shitbag”?
- haters gonna hate
a: ugh, the old “can’t you take a joke” defense. it’s weak as shit and anyone who uses it is automatically an asshole, because they’re really saying that they KNOW the comment would be offensive to a normal person, yet it doesn’t “count” because they are “kidding” and it’s actually your fault for being a humorless bitch.
you’ve been friends with this person for a long time, so obviously they have some good qualities, and it sounds like the racist comments are a pretty new development. is something going on in their life that might explain the sudden hate speech? this friend’s defense is that shit from the past gives them a free lifetime pass for racist remarks — since you two go way back, do you know what that history is? if, for example, the friend’s family was victimized by hate crimes, or the friend was tormented as a child by racist classmates, that doesn’t make it OK, but it could help you understand why your friend has this unresolved anger and feels justified in lashing out now.
how to handle it sort of depends on whether you’re still close, or just friends who go way back that you want to stay in touch with. if you feel comfortable, go ahead and call them out on facebook in the comments (just be prepared for chaos when idiotic strangers pop in to give their two cents). if you want a more one-on-one discussion, message the friend privately and say, “you know, i’m seeing a lot of racist ‘jokes’ from you that really aren’t funny, and are pretty offensive, even if it’s not about a group i belong to.” (we’re assuming it’s not, but if it is, you can say so.) “this doesn’t seem like you - what is this all about?” if they try to dodge by claiming they’re just joking, keep repeating that it’s not funny and you want to know why your friend is making these hurtful remarks.
from there, it will go one of two ways: either they’ll get defensive, attack you, and blow you off, or they’ll finally be shamed into matching your serious tone and giving you a real explanation. honestly, option #1 is more likely, and at that point you’ll have to decide which is more important to you: staying in touch with an old friend for the sake of your shared history, or refusing to tolerate or condone someone’s deliberate, spiteful racism. unfortunately, you may not be able to do both.
