Posts tagged kids
Posts tagged kids
q: i’m a divorced father with weekend custody of my young children. when i was first single, i had fun dating for a bit before i just got fed up with it. i was’nt meeting anyone special, and it felt like a waste of time. since then, i’ve pretty much just been keeping to myself during the week. all my friends are coupled-up, so i’m fairly lonely except for the weekends with my kids.
for a while now, i’ve been spending time with a family friend whose children are semi-close with mine. we mostly do play-dates for the kids, but recently she asked if i wanted to see a movie with her. we went out but she refused to let me pay - saying something about how that’s what friends should do.
so, my question is, is it smart to attempt to pursue some sort of closer relationship with her? i’m worried about wrecking our friendship or the children’s. she’s actually a widower, and hasn’t really dated anyone since her spouse died years ago. i’m also worried that maybe i’m just into her because i haven’t been dating. i would love another long-term relationship, but i don’t know if we are right for each other or if there is too much in between us already. what should i do?
-divorcee court
a: well, i wouldn’t worry so much about her insisting that she could pay her way —- she’s a grown ass woman, and anyway, she’s the one that asked you to begin with. the only weird thing would be if she didn’t even try to chip in.
you guys are coming from shitty places; the apprehension that you feel is totally natural. honestly, you seem like you like her (or god knows why you would be writing) - so just go for it. nothing has to be set in stone. spending more time together is not some sort of long-term promise for either of you. just start slow - anything quick would scare at least one of you away from something that could, who knows, be awesome. or not at all. you’ll never know until you try.
attempt to make more plans sans kids and just pay attention to how she responds. if she keeps turning you down, she’s probably not into your shit at all. sorry bro. but if she agrees & you are still sensing some hesitation on her part - don’t overanalyze it and take it too personally. instead take comfort in the fact that you are both probably scared.
don’t worry about the kids unless you somehow live in a town where only yours & her children exist. kids have lots of friends. they will be fine. you can’t live your entire life for them - an important part of being the best father is being happy. so you got to take care of yourself, too.
also, my doctor told me that if you don’t use it, you lose it - so i’d probably keep that medical warning in the back of your mind.
q: i’ve been seeing a guy pretty casually since just before the holidays. he is lovely and kind and funny, but i feel a bit of distance between us and so the whole thing has been pretty casual. i definitely like him and maybe i love him, but it’s all very confusing. we had a little heart to heart the other day, and started arranging plans for valentine’s day, which is a nice thing to do. during the conversation, he casually mentions to me that he can’t biologically have kids! this came as a shock, and it’s one of those nuggets of information i just wish had stayed in pandora’s box. i mean what am i supposed to do with that?
you see, as a fully grown gentlelady i can’t help but think that, whether we know it or not, women are programmed to be looking for the father of their children. this guy is great, but now i know for a fact that he can’t have kids. add to that i know our relationship is far more on the casual side and… is it even worth pursuing?! does that make me sound awful? i wasn’t really thinking about marrying him or anything, but now that i’m the wrong side of 25 maybe this is just the sort of thing i have to consider. if we were in a more serious stage of a relationship and i knew that i really loved him, then i would definitely/probably be in a position to talk through other options. but the point is, we’re not in that stage and basically, i just don’t know what to do.
- maybe baby
a: this is going to be one of those on one hand but on the other hand answers, so it won’t decide anything for you at all, but maybe it will help clarify one thing… or another. possibly.
on one hand, it definitely sounds like you have feelings for this gentleman and that despite the current casual nature of the relationship, you would like it to be more serious. your repeated mentions of how “casual” it is make that much clear. it’s a classic case of saying words over and over again in an attempt to make yourself believe them because it would just be easier if things were casual and you really didn’t care. but you like him. and maybe you love him! those sound like the real words, and probably you should examine them much more carefully. love is very important, after all. but it isn’t everything!
on the other hand, bitches don’t want to make any claims about all women and whether or not their brains are telling them to reproduce, but it’s clear that many, many women are biologically driven to mate. you, for example, it definitely sounds like you would like that. and possibly that you’d like to do it sooner than later? this is all just reading between the lines of your question, but if we had to guess, you’d like a baby or two. take some time to ponder that, too. children are very important, after all. but it isn’t everything!
if you like this guy and maybe love him, and it seems like there is potential to grow from casual to serious, and maybe you are willing to consider adoption/someone else’s sperm/etc as an option to fill your child needs or maybe after a lot of thought you don’t actually need a baby, then maybe this relationship is worth pursuing. if any one of those things isn’t true, then it probably isn’t.
