Posts tagged relationships
Posts tagged relationships
q: i’m a divorced father with weekend custody of my young children. when i was first single, i had fun dating for a bit before i just got fed up with it. i was’nt meeting anyone special, and it felt like a waste of time. since then, i’ve pretty much just been keeping to myself during the week. all my friends are coupled-up, so i’m fairly lonely except for the weekends with my kids.
for a while now, i’ve been spending time with a family friend whose children are semi-close with mine. we mostly do play-dates for the kids, but recently she asked if i wanted to see a movie with her. we went out but she refused to let me pay - saying something about how that’s what friends should do.
so, my question is, is it smart to attempt to pursue some sort of closer relationship with her? i’m worried about wrecking our friendship or the children’s. she’s actually a widower, and hasn’t really dated anyone since her spouse died years ago. i’m also worried that maybe i’m just into her because i haven’t been dating. i would love another long-term relationship, but i don’t know if we are right for each other or if there is too much in between us already. what should i do?
-divorcee court
a: well, i wouldn’t worry so much about her insisting that she could pay her way —- she’s a grown ass woman, and anyway, she’s the one that asked you to begin with. the only weird thing would be if she didn’t even try to chip in.
you guys are coming from shitty places; the apprehension that you feel is totally natural. honestly, you seem like you like her (or god knows why you would be writing) - so just go for it. nothing has to be set in stone. spending more time together is not some sort of long-term promise for either of you. just start slow - anything quick would scare at least one of you away from something that could, who knows, be awesome. or not at all. you’ll never know until you try.
attempt to make more plans sans kids and just pay attention to how she responds. if she keeps turning you down, she’s probably not into your shit at all. sorry bro. but if she agrees & you are still sensing some hesitation on her part - don’t overanalyze it and take it too personally. instead take comfort in the fact that you are both probably scared.
don’t worry about the kids unless you somehow live in a town where only yours & her children exist. kids have lots of friends. they will be fine. you can’t live your entire life for them - an important part of being the best father is being happy. so you got to take care of yourself, too.
also, my doctor told me that if you don’t use it, you lose it - so i’d probably keep that medical warning in the back of your mind.
q: i’ve been seeing a guy pretty casually since just before the holidays. he is lovely and kind and funny, but i feel a bit of distance between us and so the whole thing has been pretty casual. i definitely like him and maybe i love him, but it’s all very confusing. we had a little heart to heart the other day, and started arranging plans for valentine’s day, which is a nice thing to do. during the conversation, he casually mentions to me that he can’t biologically have kids! this came as a shock, and it’s one of those nuggets of information i just wish had stayed in pandora’s box. i mean what am i supposed to do with that?
you see, as a fully grown gentlelady i can’t help but think that, whether we know it or not, women are programmed to be looking for the father of their children. this guy is great, but now i know for a fact that he can’t have kids. add to that i know our relationship is far more on the casual side and… is it even worth pursuing?! does that make me sound awful? i wasn’t really thinking about marrying him or anything, but now that i’m the wrong side of 25 maybe this is just the sort of thing i have to consider. if we were in a more serious stage of a relationship and i knew that i really loved him, then i would definitely/probably be in a position to talk through other options. but the point is, we’re not in that stage and basically, i just don’t know what to do.
- maybe baby
a: this is going to be one of those on one hand but on the other hand answers, so it won’t decide anything for you at all, but maybe it will help clarify one thing… or another. possibly.
on one hand, it definitely sounds like you have feelings for this gentleman and that despite the current casual nature of the relationship, you would like it to be more serious. your repeated mentions of how “casual” it is make that much clear. it’s a classic case of saying words over and over again in an attempt to make yourself believe them because it would just be easier if things were casual and you really didn’t care. but you like him. and maybe you love him! those sound like the real words, and probably you should examine them much more carefully. love is very important, after all. but it isn’t everything!
on the other hand, bitches don’t want to make any claims about all women and whether or not their brains are telling them to reproduce, but it’s clear that many, many women are biologically driven to mate. you, for example, it definitely sounds like you would like that. and possibly that you’d like to do it sooner than later? this is all just reading between the lines of your question, but if we had to guess, you’d like a baby or two. take some time to ponder that, too. children are very important, after all. but it isn’t everything!
if you like this guy and maybe love him, and it seems like there is potential to grow from casual to serious, and maybe you are willing to consider adoption/someone else’s sperm/etc as an option to fill your child needs or maybe after a lot of thought you don’t actually need a baby, then maybe this relationship is worth pursuing. if any one of those things isn’t true, then it probably isn’t.
q: a few weeks ago i met an air force major on match.com. he’s a bit younger than i am (by about 20 years). he’s 6’2” and i’m 5’11” and i like that because all my previous boyfriends have been shorter than me.
we met for the first time this past week and it was truly magical, as if we had met before. we spent 4 wonderful days together including his birthday. he’s really nice and it was a powerful time together.
however, there are a few things i need to ask about. first, his P is crooked like a coat hanger. never have seen that before - what’s up with that? secondly, this week he has suddenly changed his tune and suggests that things moved way to fast last week and that he doesn’t really have time to have a relationship at this time. so, do i go along with him and pretend that there were no true feelings last week, just a superficial exchange of kissing, cuddling and you know what else (a LOT of you know what else), or do i try to pursue what we had last weekend?
- crooked
a: first things first, a crooked wiener is still a wiener, although if it’s shaped like a coat hanger that might actually be a little weird. are you exaggerating? if so, just keep in mind that human bodies are generally strange & no two are alike. even the most fit & beautiful among us have hair growing in weird places or slightly lopsided ears or SOMETHING. take things like crooked peens in stride & appreciate the little things that make us all different! CELEBRATE! (as long as someone knows what to do with their weirdly shaped P, that is.)
second things second, sometimes you meet a wonderful person & have a really special time for a few days & that is all you have. sometimes you meet a dull person & fight with them constantly & they are your main piece for years. people are unpredictable & relationships are not perfect. it’s also impossible to know what a person is thinking or feeling & your judgement can get awfully clouded when you have stars in your eyes. the best thing to do in this situation is to take people at their word & take things as they are. even if they’re saying something you don’t want to hear, assume that they mean it. especially if their actions back it up. unless you have reason to believe otherwise (& your own feelings DON’T count as a reason to believe otherwise, sorry), this is probably a safe tactic to assume in most situations.
third things third, take this in stride. if you like this young fella, and it seems clear that you do, take your time with him. perhaps he will change his tune about the relationship when he feels safe and ready for it, OR maybe you can just get another magical weekend or two out of it. both of those things sounds like they would be worth your time.
q: i have been on and off dating this guy for probably two years now. early on he let me know he was a committment-phobe/not into a relationship, but he’s hung around this long and things usually seem very good between us. i want more and it seems like he’ll come around to that, too, but for now he says he isn’t ready for anything more or bigger. he wants me in his life, but only on his terms, and i’m not willing to wait around for him to compromise or decide he’s ready to be with me. during the past two years, i have dated other people, but haven’t felt the same spark (at least partly because i am preoccupied with this guy).
do people like this ever change? should i give up and get on with my life? and if so, how do i do that?
- spare change?
a: sure, people like this change! but people like this also don’t change! no one knows what’s going to happen with this dude (probably not even him).
maybe it really does seem like you’re perfect together, and like you both want to be with each other, and you’re happy when you’re together and and AND, there are probably a million ands that make you want to keep trying, but ultimately you just have to take him at his word. he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, and has resisted it for two years with no sign of wanting to compromise. seems like he doesn’t want a girlfriend. it’s time for you to move on!
first, get rid of him. let him know that it’s time for him to be your boyfriend OR not have you in his life. and mean it! and live it! do not sort of mean it and go sex him next time he calls. this will be a lot easier if you also GET BUSY. now is the time for you to call in all the social favors you have, make everyone hang out with you, spend all your money doing fun stuff, go on vacation, kiss strangers, volunteer at the animal shelter, sign up for a cooking class, or really anything that involves being around other people and having fun. the objective is threefold: one, you’re gonna be too busy having fun and being out to fall into those missing him traps that you might fall into sitting at home alone and bored; two, you’re gonna be hanging out with your friends and talking this all out and be reassured by them that yes, this is a good decision; and three, you’ll be in places to meet new people.
one of two things will happen next. either he will miss you so desperately that he decides he really does want to be your boyfriend (and you can maybe consider this momentarily before rejecting it. seriously, what is he, some kind of childish asshole?), or you will be having so much fun and being so busy that you will forget all about him and open up that space in your life and heart for the new and awesome dude you will eventually meet.
q: i have a problem. two guys at work have expressed an interest in dating me. i like them both and want to date them but if i say yes to one, i might lose the other. what should i do?
- double trouble
a: here’s what you should do: NOT DATE EITHER OF THEM.
if there is any way to make the whole “dating someone i work with” scenario more complicated and potentially terrible than it already is, it’s to try to date two people you work with. just don’t, spare yourself the trouble that it will cause if one or both of them find out, decide to hate you, and make your professional life miserable. tell them you value your working relationship too much to go any further.
if two of your coworkers want to date you (and even if they didn’t), you’re a catch and can find plenty of other men to date. DO THAT.
or you can try this fun test: let your two potential coworker suitors know that while you are flattered (because, clearly, this is doing something good for your ego), you’d rather just keep your relationship friendly as long as you work together. if one of them quits so he can date you, you know he’s the keeper.
q: this week, my boyfriend left for japan, where he will be traveling for work for about 4 months. i won’t be able to visit him, so we won’t have much contact. this is the first serious relationship for both of us, so his leaving is extremely hard. here’s the thing: i feel as if his missing me will ruin the whole trip for him, so i was contemplating ending things — that way, he’d spend a couple of weeks being sad, then he’d get over it and enjoy the time he has there. should we break things off and reconnect when he returns (if we still feel the same)? or should i stay with him and ruin his trip, but hope things work out when he gets back?
- sayonara, sweetheart
a: wow, we are jealous! being a bitch is a full-time job, but it doesn’t really come with travel perks. okay but seriously, getting to travel to another country for several months is a great adventure and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. but why do you say that being in a relationship will completely prevent him from enjoying his time there? just because he won’t be free to romance a geisha? puhleez.
first off, he will be spending a lot of his days working, just like he would if he were back home. and during his free time, he has a WHOLE ENTIRE COUNTRY to explore! there are all kinds of delicious foods and sightseeing and cultural experiences to keep him busy, and while he will surely wish you were there to share them, he’ll have a ton of great stories to tell you later. what WILL ruin his good time, though, is if you immediately dump him and he has to spend the entire time moping about why you didn’t love him enough to stick it out for four lousy months.
although it really sucks that you aren’t in a position to go visit him, it doesn’t mean you’re completely cut off. you can email each other every day, coordinate time zones so you can webchat online, or skype. international phone calls are expensive, but if he’s valuable enough that his company is sending him overseas for four months, then he can afford a quick call or two per week. you can send him a care package of his favorite american-style goodies, and he can send you souvenirs that remind him of you! there are lots of ways to stay in touch, if you’re willing to get creative.
since you say that this is your first serious relationship, we’re going to guess that you’re both fairly young, and this may also be a newish relationship. but trust an ol’ bitch: although it feels like it now, four months is NOT that long and it will go by quicker than you think. and just imagine the amazing reunited-and-it-feels-so-good sex when he returns!
q. i am a friend of a man who is married who announced last week that his wife is expecting their first child. i have never met his wife. he has had at least one extramarital affair, with a 16-year-old girl, which is over now. he told me all about this affair as it happened and it made me very uncomfortable. yesterday he told me he’s solicited a woman over the internet, and is paying her plane fare for a secret rendezvous!
i got very angry and reminded him that he had a pregnant wife at home. “i seem to have lost my conscience,” he admitted. i tried to convince him to cancel this new woman, but he is adamant. he kept making flimsy excuses: “i must live sometime. i’m making up for lost moments. my wife will never know.”
i do not condone adultery and i think what he is doing is despicable, especially when his wife has a baby due. he said i am the only person who knows. is there anything i can do? would i be justified in writing an anonymous note to his wife telling her about her husband’s infidelity? he once said that if his wife ever found out she’d probably kick him out of the house. i am beginning to believe he deserves it.
- bros before hos?
a. as someone suffering from a fairly severe case of bitch-itis, i tend to try really, really hard to answer everything as calmly as i can muster. i just can’t with this. what exactly would it take until you felt that you had to do something? you want to wait until he knocks up some teenager and his wife has to live with the shame of her piece of shit husband being in jail for statutory rape? you want the little baby to only see their daddy during prison visits?
you know why your friend told you? either he feels guilty, so wants to shift a little of the pressure onto someone else (you) so he could feel relief… or, grosser, he thinks this is awesome behavior and wants high fives for being a d-bag.
hey brah! i totes banged a sophomore in high school!!!! i am the MAN.
your friend’s not just a crappy husband. he’s a crappy person. i’m going to just assume no one literally forced him to get married. hey, you want to bang lots of people (UM LEGAL AGE THO, PLEASE, JEEEEZUS)? that’s awesome! then don’t get married. or marry someone who also wants an open relationship. i don’t see how this is such a confusing idea. “i want to keep sleeping with lots of different people.” that’s fine. me too dudes. that’s why i’m not fucking married.
“he must live sometime.” what the hell. what about his wife? does she not deserve a chance at happiness as well? do you have any reason to believe that she is actually the devil? because i doubt she deserves this.
i don’t even understand how you seem more perturbed by this new fling than the one with the SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD. my god. i hope for this reason only the couple is very young themselves. if not, barf on top of barf.
divorce is not a death sentence, and it sounds like it would be a huge blessing in disguise to this poor woman. do something. write a note. tell him that if HE doesn’t tell her, you will. this guilt does not belong to YOU. it should belong to HIM. worst case scenario, you lose a friend. yeah, that sucks, who will you double with for prom?? (seriously, i cannot get over this “16 year-old” business, myyyy).
that dumbfuck made his bed. the wife deserves to know. i don’t think people always need to know, but when you add up all the extras: baby on the way, SIXTEEN YEAR OLD, desire to cheat just for cheating’s sake….. buzz buzz buzz. we have a winner. he doesn’t want to tell her? fine, but then he needs to end the marriage. and eek, i hope he is careful. you know STDs can really F up the little babies while they’re still hanging out uterus-style, right?
if you’re the only one that knows, an anonymous note may come back to you. but…. god, do you really care? if you’re worried about that, just tell the dude it’s time for him to do something. he made this your problem. it’s time to give the problem back to the person who deserves it.
and maybe one day, the wife can find someone who actually wants to be married to her. and, wow, maybe the kid will luck out and have an actual adult male role model to look up to. maybe coming clean to his wife will bring about something in their relationship where they can either open it or just decide to end it. not everyone is meant to be monogamous. but that doesn’t give you a pass to lie.
TL;DR: your friend is lucky you’re not calling Chris Hansen on his ass. DO SOMETHING.
q: my husband and i are expecting our second child this fall. as long as we’ve been together, we’ve planned to have 2 children. when we told my mother-in-law the happy news she took me aside and said that if we have another girl we will need to try a few more times so that we can produce a boy to “carry on the family name.” my in-laws are are not as interested in our daughter as i would have expected. sometimes i think if we had a son, they would be more involved.
my husband is an only child as his brother died several years ago. i don’t really know what to say to her, but i do know that i don’t want to or plan on having any more children. how should i respond to her?
- baby daddy mama drama
a: it ENRAGES me to think that your husband’s parents would love a baby boy more than they love your existing baby girl and the one you will be having soon. you know what that is? it’s completely and totally shitty of them, and you don’t owe them anything in the way of explanation for when and how many children you are planning to have.
mind, you don’t actually ever owe ANYONE an explanation for when or if you are going to have children, how many, what you might name them, or how you might raise them. having children or not is completely personal, and if you want to tell people “i’d rather not discuss that,” that is what you should do.
since this is your mother-in-law and you are probably going to have a long relationship with her, you should clear this up now, or have your husband talk to her about the way her behavior is affecting you. “look, we know you would love it if we had more children and you would love it if we had a boy, but we’ve decided not to have any more children.” if pressed for a why? “we’ve decided that two children is best for us.” and it would also be good to tell her now that you have noticed she seems disinterested in your daughter(s), rather than just resent her for this for the rest of your/her life. maybe she doesn’t realize what an asshole she is being. “it seems like you sometimes wish we’d given you a grandson instead of a granddaughter - we would hate for that to affect your relationship with us or with either of your granddaughters.”
it’s crummy that one of her sons died, and it’s a shame there’s no one to “carry on the family name,” but those are not reasons for you to keep having kids until you make one with a penis.
while understanding that it is not generally considered polite to tell your in-laws to fuck off, in this situation you should still try to convey “please respect our decisions, our family, and our children” as firmly as possible.
q: i don’t know what to about my boyfriend. we have been together a little more than a year and for the first nine months it seemed perfect. the last few months have been so different, though. we argue constantly, and he is always angry and can be very mean and nasty to me and other people. it gets worse and worse all the time, though he apologizes and says he doesn’t mean to get so angry. he had a pretty rough childhood on account of an abusive father, and i know he is still dealing with that.
right now we are spending time apart. he is staying with his mother while he “figures things out.” he hasn’t called me for days and when i call him to talk things over he hangs up or doesn’t bother answering me. his mom told me he is scared to talk to me and advised me to just wait it out until he’s ready to talk, but i am frustrated and hurt and it’s only getting worse. i want to do something to fix this, but can’t! i would like our relationship to work out, but i don’t know what to do.
- confused
a: everyone gets angry sometimes and most people say things they don’t necessarily mean when that happens and even though it’s definitely wrong, it’s forgivable, especially if you and your partner learn and grow as a result of those sometimes necessary arguments. there’s a world of difference between calling someone a stupid shithead while you’re in the middle of a very heated argument with them and being habitually angry and abusive towards your partner. because you’re even asking us, you probably already know that your boyfriend falls into the second category.
it is very characteristic of abusive people to start relationships with their best foot forward and progressively reveal abusive behavior. it’s also characteristic of abusive people to apologize profusely for their behavior but not actually do anything about it or show any improvement. and it’s characteristic of abusive people to be controlling about everything, including when and how communication happens, and to attempt to manipulate the abused person into feeling responsible for the abuse or the terrible state of the relationship. your boyfriend is doing all of that, and will likely not only continue but get worse with time. emotional abuse doesn’t always lead to physical abuse, but it often does, and even if it doesn’t, emotional abuse is terrible and damaging and serious.
it’s time for you to dump him and move on. you are worth more than that, and deserve better. if he wants to get help, GOOD FOR HIM. it sounds like he had a pretty rough childhood and needs extensive therapy and anger management just to start. it’s not your responsibility to help him get help, or stick by him while does. some people get better, but frankly, right now you just need to be concerned about yourself.
q: i recently introduced my boyfriend of a few months at a family event. as these things can be, it was a little awkward, but i was not expecting the reaction i got from my family afterward. both of my sisters stated they did not like him, my mom was noncommittal, and they all asked questions that essentially boiled down to “why are you with him?” in fact, they know why i am with him as i obviously spoke highly of him before bringing him around. he is a kind, generous, smart, and funny man, among other things. my family is important to me, and i feel like my boyfriend and i have a future together (at least one long enough to include future family get togethers). how do i get my family to be more open and positive toward the man in my life?
- blood is thicker, and way messier, than water
a: this one is really hard without more background. do you have a history of dating guys that turn out to be really poor matches for you? have you dragged dozens of lackluster dudes home to meet the family? (feel free to explain more to get a more direct answer!)
if so, it has to do with that. if no, well, my advice for your action is quite similar: talk to them. talk to them one-on-one and ask them about their negative reactions. could they be seeing some horrible character flaw that is currently blinded by your lust (ya never know… i’m pretty sure we’ve all been guilty of that)? are they just afraid that you are dating a slightly different version of a guy that has already broken your heart plenty of times? you really won’t known until you ask them. if you’re a habitual monogamist… well, don’t be so surprised if your family has learned to be gun-shy around new fellows. perhaps they think you will just end up breaking up soon regardless, so don’t feel like getting involved.
if it’s not just your past taste in partners, there could be a larger issue at hand. explain to your family how you feel about him, and that you expect them to welcome him and like him, as they should like anyone that treats you well and makes you happy. be honest with how you feel, and let them tell you what they really think. do not be dismissive of what they say to you. if you are close with your family, they are probably going to do whatever they think is best for you. don’t discount anything they have to say; rather, try to swallow your pride and really listen.
if you aren’t ready for the truth though, don’t ask for it… but also don’t expect them to fall in love with your boyfriend like you did.
